Young woman sitting on the bed with a sad expression on her face looking at pregnancy test. In the background is her partner who is sleeping in bed.
Young woman sitting on the bed with a sad expression on her face looking at pregnancy test. In the background is her partner who is sleeping in bed.

Mind and infertility

Infertility issues can’t always be explained by science which, if you’re trying for a baby unsuccessfully, can make you feel as if you have no control over the situation as you have no reason for the problem.

I myself have a whole chain of unpleasant stories which contributed to being diagnosed with infertility however I had a client who had no health issues whatsoever, yet when she came to see me for the first time, she had been happily married for 18 years and had been trying for a baby since the day they got married.

My client is now the mother of a healthy baby girl, and I myself am expecting my first baby. This is the case with a number of other women I have met or worked with who were suffering with unexplained infertility.

When you’re trying for a baby unsuccessfully, it can feel like the world is against you, as your friends start to become pregnant and your relationship becomes strained and many women, when they fail to get pregnant within a certain period of time, turn their attention to self-blame. This behavioural pattern which we’ve inherited from our mothers, grandmothers and from previous generations, can lead to hopelessness and despair. In a state like that, it is easy for women to switch to ‘blame shifting’.

Once you are in a self-blame mindset, it can be difficult to see the picture clearly. You are trapped between self-blame, having thoughts such as ‘my body failed me’ and the world, which seems to be against you getting pregnant while people around you seem to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat!

When you’re struggling to get pregnant, it’s common to think ‘people have been so thoughtless!’, however it’s often the case that they just don’t see your pain the way you see it. At times, you are so focused on ‘self- blame’ that any effort on behalf of your family or friends can be met with your remorse, hurt or feeling that they don’t understand you. Most likely they do understand you, it’s the way you react to their help that’s the issue.

From childhood most of us are trained to notice what we can’t have. I suggest to my clients, when they can, think about what you will have one day. Our female bodies are meant to nurture and give birth to a baby. One of the things I had to work on was the fact that I suffered with miscarriages so I trained my mind to accept that my body is healthy and perhaps there was a mini issue that my body was trying to sort out so that only a healthy egg would get fertilized and implanted.

This is where mind training can help. As humans we tend to think more productively when we are in a better state of mind, i.e. not stressed. Meditation can help women to get out of their stress zone and out of their self-blaming state (whether they themselves acknowledge that or not) and help them to see a bigger picture, which in turn may shift their now freed attention to the treatments or ways they didn’t consider before. 

Instead of working on how to get pregnant (which is frankly a medics’ territory) I work with women focusing on what type of mums they want to be, what they want to learn and what they want to achieve by the time they have a baby.

Taking away the ‘self-blame’ pattern can shift perspective to give you what you really want.